THE FULBERT REPORT concerning the Reform of Health and Wellness Procedures

St. Fulbert of Chartres

The Bishop Fulbert of Chartres actively promoted the Catholic Church and the cult of the Virgin Mary in France in the early 1000s.  Fulbert wrote many well-known letters, poems, and hymns, but recently, a scholar discovered a series of political tracts ascribed to the influential bishop.  I will share them with you here, as they are translated into English.

THE FULBERT REPORT as issued on this, the fifteenth day of the month of August in the year of our Lord one-thousand and nine, to the literate, land-owning men of Chartres, and those in this vicinity who aspire to one day own a plot, and who thus are deeply concerned about the plight of land-owners, including the possibility of any wretched taxes levied onto the land-owners therein the borders of Chartres.

This FULBERT REPORT concerns the nature of the efforts to reform health and wellness issuances by the scoundrel Rodney Davies, who refuses to confirm the circumstances of his very birth through forthright and legitimate documentation, casting doubt upon his identity as a Frenchman of Anglican descent, and perhaps indicating that he sprang spontaneously from the devil’s gnarled touch upon the Great Tree of the misted dark forest on the African Continent.

Mr. Davies, a merchant and scholar who ruthlessly maligned his way into the vassalage through the machinations of the nefarious ACORN organization, an association so entrenched into the devil’s schema that it will surely influence society henceforth until the Day of Judgment, wishes to overhaul the excellent health and wellness regimen that serves the constituents of Chartres by the Excellency of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Heretofore, I will enumerate the most galling policy changes set forth by Mr. Davies, the great scalawag, toward the devilish regression of our health, wellness, and fitness, and the encroachment thereof unto our everyday experience:

Proposal One: Mr. Davies wishes to slash apart the fabric of our blessed social organization and replace our familiar feudal system with a nefarious, heathenistic structure imported from the tribal African Nation. This aforementioned social shift would rest your health upon the hands of the “godless death harbingers” or “doctors” who use their dark magical potions, elixirs, and surgical implements to render the body incapable of receiving the Lord’s healing, as administered by ordained clergy.

Proposal Two: After receiving the last rites and upon the receipt of the Lord’s touch, the soul of a man escapes his earthly frame and begins its ascent Heavenward. What, then, remains of man’s shell of clay and dirt? Should not you be afforded the opportunity to choose the location of your form’s decomposition and rot?

Mr. Davies, Satan’s proudest minion, wishes to infringe upon your freedom to choose the location of your body’s decay by collecting corpses in wheelbarrows and dumping them into the river.

Proposal Three, of which Our Highest Lady, the Virgin Mary, Mother of God, would certainly disapprove: Mr. Davies advocates the criminal prosecution of any proprietary organization which sells “meat which is rotten, vegetables which are rotten, fruits which are rotten or otherwise spoiled, and bread infested with mold, lice, or insects.” Good men of Chatres, do not these measures seem an extreme undertaking? Do you and your neighbors require another man of the elite bureaucracy to unnecessarily inspect your food for you, a task that certainly you may undertake by your own volition? Such wasteful appropriation of money will only result in the advocacy of taxation to be levied upon the nobility; this theft will drain funds designated for protection, thus increasing the risk of attacks by heathens, Spaniards, and other barbarians, which will effect more health-related travesty. Never before has such a counter-productive measure been proposed.

Mr. Davies’s plan lacks sense and wisdom; in response, I, the Hon. St. Fulbert of Chartres, propose to allocate available funds to volunteer prayer-response teams designed to appeal most vociferously to Jesus Christ the Lord and His Virgin Mother, who may judge righteously from his seat in Heaven whether the sick or injured may live or die, and if he should die, whether he should burn for eternity amidst the company of one Mr. Rodney Davies, or whether he should serve his time in Purgatory (please be aware, under my conception, the family of the newly passed may request the prayer-response service to pray their fallen brethren more rapidly into Heaven, for a nominal fee), or whether he should enter Heaven directly, a fate surely reserved for those who take up arms against Mr. Davies and his Satanic health reformation operations. Voice your opposition to Mr. Davies’s health and wellness issuance reformation: take up signage proclaiming him a scoundrel, a devilish ne’er-do-well, a tragic child of Satan’s mind, as available for a nominal fee in the cathedral vestibule.

Thus concludes THE FULBERT REPORT on this the fifteenth day of the month of August in the Year of Our Lord one thousand nine.