Guest Update: Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan's Beard Comb Over

I apologize that I haven’t had time to write new updates lately.  I am always on the lookout for guest submissions, however, and famous comedian Jim Gaffigan, who enjoyed some of my tweets, offered to contribute to the site.  If you are interested in producing content for voraciousbunnies.com, feel free to email me at adam@voraciousbunnies.com.  Thanks, and enjoy! – Adam

You know when you’re watching TV and you see some guy get put into a medically induced coma? There’s some medical show and a guy comes in with his face all torn up because his daughter cut him with a sword, and then the doctors are like “The pain is too intense, let’s put him in a medically induced coma.” Then he gets to nap for like a month and gets food through a tube – none of that pesky chewing involved. How lucky is that guy?

This guy’s a jerk! I was in a coma for six weeks! My daughter is an expert swordsman!

You know what’s terrible? Green beans. I hate green beans! My wife is like, “Eat some green beans,” and she puts them on my plate and I say “absolutely not, hell no.” And then I eat them, because they’re in front of me.

But I only just realized that those same green beans are in green bean casserole. How bizarre is that? I’ll eat that stuff all day! When you put those crunchy things on top, and add some cream of mushroom soup. I didn’t even know there were beans in there!

This guy is so dumb, I hate him with all of my heart.

What are those crunchy things? Do you guys know? They’re actually onions. I know. I thought they were tiny hash browns, or maybe seasoned chunks of fried pizza crust. I know too much, I don’t know if I can eat it anymore.

But he just said he eats it all the time! He’s weird.

Don’t you hate it when people say that they know too much? They’re like “I know too much, I can’t do this anymore. I know too much, I can’t eat that Hot Pocket because I know what’s in it.” That’s a lie, no one knows what’s in a Hot Pocket.

*Hooot pockeettt*

This guy is a jerk, I’ve heard this joke a million times!

I heard they were going to start serving Hot Pockets at the Waffle House. Can you imagine that? I don’t think I’d ever stop barfing. And how about White Castle? You go to White Castle, and your options are either a sack of six burgers or a box of 20. They trick you, because it kind of sounds like Christmas. “Santa Claus is coming down the chimney with a big sack of burgers for you!” “Open up this box Timmy, it’s a Crave Case!”

That sounds like a sad holiday, maybe I should cut this guy a break.

One time when I was in 7th grade I got yelled at in sports study hall in the Cafeteria and when the principal told me to stand up I was fidgeting with my glasses and I looked exactly like this.

My Christmases, ever since I turned 30, have been kind of rough. Couldn’t get home one year, so I ate White Castle and Hot Pockets with a Steak’um at a Waffle House.

Hey, you know what, would you like to come over for Christmas dinner this year?

Don’t you just hate it when people invite you to Christmas dinner? Inside you’re like, “I don’t want to see these people for another second, can’t I just take a nap?” But then you feel bad turning them down. “Well, you’ve just offered to take me into your home and let me intrude upon your family traditions out of the kindness of your heart, not to mention offer me a free home-cooked feast, but I feel awkward in social interactions and want to go to Dunkin’ Donuts instead, so I’m going to have to pass.”

You are the biggest jerk I know, I don’t know why I keep coming to these shows.

You know what everyone likes? Iced coffee. It sounds stupid, right? At first I was like, “Ice in my coffee? That sounds terrible!” but then one second later I saw someone drinking one and I was like, “Well I guess I’ll try one. Heeeeey this is pretty great, it has all the great taste of coffee, only like I left it sitting out for 3 hours!” But for some reason, I can’t stop buying them. “Yeah this tastes like crap, I’ll take 3 dozen.”

Hey, I like those! This guy is a jerk.

Wait until I tell you about the time I was pale!